The Cure to the National Epidemic of Loneliness.

The Surgeon General, Dr. Vivek Murthy, published a paper titled "An Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation. In it, he shares that this is a true epidemic and how it's not just an emotional crisis, but it is affecting us physically, neurologically, and systemically. Social disconnections are as deadly as smoking and as costly as any chronic disease. This article explores the core of that issue, proposing that to solve loneliness, we must learn to recognize and root out Counterfeit Emotions—those emotional patterns that mimic connection but actually sabotage it. Reclaiming emotional integrity isn’t just a personal transformation—it may well be a national one.

Whereas loneliness used to be a quiet ache buried deep in the hearts of an isolated few, it is now at epidemic status because it's affecting over 50% of adults in America. It is such a deep problem that it is tearing at the very fabric of society. The problem isn't a lack of people, access to community or opportunity for interactions. The problem is that we have created a society that rewards personas instead of people. We've created incentives for performance over presence. We've learned to present a perfectly curated version of ourselves. The trouble is that others can't love the real us if they never see or know our authentic self. Social media pays out in likes, comments and shares.  We speak in pleasantries, hide behind emojis, and settle for relationships that feel safe but shallow. The result? A population drowning in surface-level connection, starving for something real.

What the Surgeon General Got Right—and What’s Still Missing: 

Dr. Murthy’s 2023 advisory on loneliness was a landmark in public health discourse. Drawing on decades of research, the report linked chronic loneliness to increased risks of depression, anxiety, dementia, cardiovascular disease, and premature death. One of the most jarring statistics? Social disconnection is as deadly as smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day (Office of the Surgeon General, 2023). Murthy also emphasized the structural and societal contributors to the crisis—digital overuse, urban sprawl, shrinking faith communities, and declining civic engagement. These are crucial elements of the problem.

But there’s another layer, equally insidious and largely unaddressed: emotional inauthenticity. Even when we are physically surrounded, emotionally, we may be in exile. The Hidden Saboteur: Counterfeit Emotions To truly understand the root of disconnection, we have to look inward. As a society, we’ve mistaken emotional mimicry for emotional mastery. We’ve learned to act confident while feeling insecure, to be agreeable while suppressing resentment, to perform love while avoiding intimacy. These are what I refer to as Counterfeit Emotions—false emotional patterns that look like connection on the outside but create internal isolation. To understand if you are feeling an authentic vs. counterfeit emotion, you must use the four criteria, the first of which is connection. Does this emotion connect me to myself, others, God, and truth?

Consider the following pairs(dyads) of emotions

• Belonging vs. Fitting In - Belonging says I am accepted for exactly who I am. Fitting in says I have to change who I am to be accepted.
• Kind vs Nice - "Nice" does an amazing job at masquerading as "Kind." It smooths over discomfort at the cost of honesty and intimacy. People-pleasing, a common trait among high-functioning professionals, looks like compassion but is often a form of self-erasure to maintain acceptance.
• Joy vs. Pleasure - Doom scrolling is a great way to get a dopamine hit and distract, numb, and avoid the real issues knocking at the emotional door. Joy engages in connecting activities that bring lasting peace and happiness. Pleasure is a great way to distract from having to connect with feelings and other people.
• Abundance vs. Accumulation - Abundance says to, "Live large to give large." Accumulation demands you "Live large to get large." Abundance exists for the benefit of yourself and others. It looks to connect with and raise society as a whole. Accumulation is only about raising your own perceived wealth, status, popularity, etc..
• Connection vs. Attachment - Attachment disconnects us from  our true self because we are placing our worth in another person,  expectation,  title or perception. 
• Empathy vs. Sympathy - Empathy connects us on a compassionate level. Sympathy disconnects us while still appearing to be caring. Empathy sits with others(connection) in their pain, joy, and just life. Sympathy says, "Poor you," and moves on without connection.
• Love vs. Lust - Lust can be confused with love, but it seeks possession, not partnership. It may offer physical closeness but often leaves emotional hollowness.

These counterfeit patterns don’t just hinder connection—they can block it entirely.

Authentic Emotions: The Bridge Back to Belonging By contrast, authentic emotions act as connective tissue between souls. Vulnerability, when shared in safe spaces, invites others to show up fully. Empathy doesn’t just acknowledge pain—it sits with you in the pain. Gratitude reminds us we’re not alone. Compassion creates safety where shame once reigned. These aren’t fluffy concepts. They’re measurable, teachable, and transformative. Brené Brown’s research has shown that vulnerability and authenticity are among the most important ingredients in building trust (Brown, 2012). Similarly, the field of emotional intelligence, championed by researchers like Daniel Goleman, continues to demonstrate that self-awareness and emotional regulation are among the strongest predictors of meaningful connection (Goleman, 2006).  When we show up with authentic emotions, we offer others something rare in today’s world: presence without pretense. And presence, not popularity, is the true cure for loneliness.

We are currently at the highest rate of suicide ever recorded in history, and we can do something about it. We can connect. My good friend Joe Tuia'ana runs the I Love You Bro Project. It is dedicated to helping men connect and get out of suicidal ideation because 80% of suicides in my home state of Utah are men. This is similar to the national stats.  It is such a beautiful organization and is doing so much to help good men find connection and gain a footing back into life. They have created an event called Forged Through Fire that is helping to raise funds, awareness, and hearts in a crazy, fun way with Fire Walking. I'm honored to be able to speaking as a keynote at this event.

The Surgeon General’s report calls for national strategies—investments in social infrastructure, workplace reform, educational changes, and community-building initiatives. All of these are important. But policy alone can’t solve a crisis rooted in human disconnection. What we need alongside these reforms is a cultural movement—a return to emotional truth. Imagine what might change if, instead of teaching kids to “be nice,” we taught them to be kind and honest. If companies rewarded courageous conversations instead of passive compliance. If partners stopped trying to avoid fights and instead embraced hard truths as acts of love. The cure for loneliness isn’t more people in a room. It’s more authenticity in the heart.

The loneliness epidemic is real. It’s dangerous. And it’s not going away on its own. But perhaps its presence is also an invitation—an opportunity to reclaim something we’ve lost. Not just each other, but ourselves. Because the first step toward connection isn’t reaching out. It’s showing up. Fully. Honestly. Authentically. By learning to name and release the Counterfeit Emotions that keep us stuck, we don’t just heal our own hearts—we begin to heal the culture. Loneliness is not just a national crisis. It’s a call to come home.

References:

Brown, B. (2012). Daring greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead.

Gotham Books. Goleman, D. (2006). Social intelligence: The new science of human relationships. Bantam.

Office of the Surgeon General. (2023). Our epidemic of loneliness and isolation: The U.S. Surgeon General’s advisory on the healing effects of social connection and community. U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. https://www.hhs.gov/sites/default/files/surgeon-general-social-connection-advisory.pdf